“Father, I committed the sin of masturbation 16 times since my last confession.” Look, I know this is technically a sin, but why are you rushing to tell another grown man about this shit? I was just casually browsing golf clubs on my laptop yesterday when suddenly I have to put on my collar and attend to this nitwit’s sad little mumblings about touching himself. I can only imagine how healthy and fulfilling his sex life is with his wife. And don’t even get me started on her—she’s just as much of a dumbass as he is. The last time we had a silent auction fundraiser, she brought a boombox from like 1998 as her item to sell. Oh, thank you sooo much for the $1.75 that you raised for the church. Father Kevin’s Score: 0 out of 12 Stations of the Cross for this depraved buffoon and his bumbling wife.